Talking About The Stress Of Making Big Decisions
Some conversations come up so often in my work that I could almost set my watch by them.
Someone arrives stressed about a big decision. On the surface the problem is the decision itself. Underneath, it is almost never just the decision.
After sessions I often write to clients with my thoughts, and I am going to start publishing some of them here - names and details removed. This one was written to a client who had been offered a new role and had worked themselves into a fair old state about whether to take it.
It seems to me to be about three connected things:
How much is enough?
Your challenge is to understand the space between feeling incredibly blessed with what you already have in life and still being open to opportunities for more.
In this case, the new role represents more money, more status, more interesting people and contacts, and potentially a more stimulating role.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that!
The problem only starts when the possibility of something better begins to diminish your appreciation of what you already have.
And in your case, this includes:
Your health.
Your family.
Your friends.
Your hobbies and passions.
Your career.
Your financial security.
The freedom and lifestyle you already enjoy.
The life you are currently living.
That is quite a list.
Once you start to recognise how blessed you already are, new opportunities become a bonus rather than something to stress over.
That sense of lacking whatever is on offer isn't the truth - but believe it, and it will create plenty of uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.
How much certainty do you require before making a decision?
You appear to want to feel sufficiently certain that a decision is right before you fully commit to it.
The flaw in that plan is that life has absolutely no intention of giving you the certainty you crave.
Not around jobs.
Not around money.
Not around relationships.
Not around health.
Not around most of the things that genuinely matter.
The more certainty you demand before acting, the more likely you are to disappear into a cloud of perfectionism and procrastination where analysis paralysis, obsession, rumination and stress reside.
One more thought.
One more conversation.
One more piece of information.
One more lap around the arena for some final reassurance.
Unfortunately, that reassurance is never going to be available.
How much do you trust yourself to deal with whatever follows?
At some point, life asks you to step in without the guarantee.
And perhaps the work is not learning to make perfect decisions but rather to trust yourself after the decision has been made.
To know that if it works out brilliantly, great. But if it does not, you will learn, adjust, recover and make another decision.
Because life is not a series of perfectly calculated moves. It is a series of choices.
Some work out beautifully.
Some disappoint us.
Some take us somewhere better than we expected.
Some simply teach us what not to do next time.
But you are not being asked to predict the future.
You are being asked to make the best decision you can with the information available to you, take responsibility for it, and trust yourself to deal with what comes next.
In summary
Recognise how much you already have. Allow yourself to feel genuinely blessed by it. And only then consider your options in relation to creating more.
Stop asking certainty to do a job it has never been capable of doing. You do not need certainty - you need enough self-trust to make a decision and live your way into the answer.
Whatever you decide, you can trust yourself to deal with what comes next.
If this sounds familiar
If you are sitting on a decision right now and waiting to feel sure, it might be worth asking which of those three questions is really doing the damage. In my experience it is rarely the decision. It is the demand for a guarantee nobody is ever going to give you.
More of these to follow. And if any of this resonates and you would like to talk it through, please holler.
Steve
